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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

I am Lost

beach-coast_w725_h544I was found, now I am lost. I beheld, but all is now dark. Where are you, Lord?

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SadnessIn this hopeless moment,

give me hope.

In this time of darkness,

be my light.

No prayers I can say, no ancient words I remember, no matter how often I repeat them, can cool my anger, nor lessen my pain, nor give me any reason to believe I can be happy again.

I won’t ask for your mercy. I don’t deserve it. If I can’t help myself, how can I come to you?

I can’t surrender to you and let you solve my problems for me. If you wanted to do that, you would have solved them on your own by now.

Look at the mess you’ve put me in! How dare you? Am I not your child? Who will take care of me if you won’t? What are you waiting for? I don’t deserve this!

I’m stuck. I want to love you and worship you and surrender myself to you. I have no faith in you and I want to do everything myself and I don’t think you really care about me. I need you, but I can’t find you. I want your help, but I won’t ask for it. You mean the world to me, and sometimes I hate you.

I just want out. I want to start over. I want a second chance. I want the opportunity to live without a past that tortures me, a future that terrifies me, and a present that amounts to an endless stream of pain.

I don’t know what to say to you. Please know what I should say, and act as if I said it already.

I don’t know how to love you. Please give me love for you.

I don’t know how to live. Please live through me.

I’m sorry.

Peace, peace, peace be unto all.

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River_Embrace_by_lindowyn_stockMy dearest friend, will you listen to me a while? I could use some sage advice.

I am tired lately. It’s not just a lack of sleep. I feel worn down, wrung out like a wet towel. I ache in body and mind. There’s a chill that goes down deep and winter has nothing to do with it.

And there’s a brooding sadness in my heart like an ice-cube that never melts.

And my mind is out of control! Desires running amok, bad decisions galore, loneliness like I haven’t felt in years and a surging, vibrating unrest that steals away my attention any time I set my focus on some higher ideal.

Nothing seems quite right. All the things of life seem slightly askew, moderately out of balance. It’s as if I’m inside a photograph that isn’t focused properly.

What is this? What can I do about it? I feel like I’ve come too far to be set back by petty feelings. At the same time, I feel like all my experience is worthless in the face of these obstacles.

Honestly, I don’t want only your advice. I don’t only want you to lend an ear to my troubles. I need you. I need your strength, your love. I need you to be my foundation and shelter. I need you to take responsibility for me, because no amount of effort on my part is going to solve my problems.

I am the problem. I put myself in this situation, I dug these canyons of depression and craving, and they’ve taken on a life of their own, become rivers of misery and want. They’re too big for me to fill them in. Every shovel-full of earth I throw in is washed away

But you can dam the rivers. You can dry up their beds. You can fill them with black earth and plant there the seeds of love, discipline, renunciation, and reason.

I want you to be the architect of my life. I want you to take all the responsibility. I’ll do the work, but you give the orders, you guide my hands. And you take the credit when the all is said and done.

There. I’ve lain the whole thing at your feet. It’s yours to arrange as you wish; I don’t want any part of that. I’ll just keep my eyes on you, keep doing my job and singing my song, until your plans are at their end.

I feel better already.

Peace, peace, peace be unto all.

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